Friendship wasn't meant for convenience and neither was love. - Me

We all say at least once in our lifetime, "I'm done with love" or, "I'm going to change". Ha. Who are you kidding? You'll crawl back to it, or feel like you're dragged back. As for changing... well, we all say, but do we do it?

And for myself... This is my Confession I know my faults, and I can't keep going like this, I need to change, and I need the change to happen at a faster rate than it’s at. If not, I need this to end. These mistakes are messing up more people and more lives than I can count. I never thought emotional damage was as strong, if not stronger, than the physical pain a person would have to bear. I've inflicted it on my mother and others around me with my anger. It feels limitless, if my morals did not bar me, I'm sure I would have destroyed a lot by now.

I never once listened to my mom; I end up bullshitting everyone including myself. Now I know what my fault is. I've said, shut up, fuck you, idiot, stupid, moron, bitch, asshole, I've said it all... I need to end it now, and as soon as possible, I can't keep this rage inside my blood. I can't harm the ones that I've said I care about... the people that used to care about me, or the ones that do. I've seen so many people harmed... So what reason do I have to hurt others, and deal more to the already bleeding wounds? I know about too many that have been shot, killed, murdered... for reasons that could only make the devil smile at his creations. His freewill, his anger, and simple pleasures with life. I'm not going to preach, what does preaching do? Not much... Our society has learned to turn away the preachers, deny the warnings, and mislead the innocent. Most of us are no better than the devil's advocates. We do a few good deeds and somehow we have it in our minds that the world owes us something, we help others out of fear we'll go to hell, we help others because we end up feeling good about ourselves.

My reasons are just as selfish. I help some people because others are too pathetic to do anything about it. It's sad, how I help because I hate.

I envy those that can help endlessly, for no reason at all. I envy those who are self-sacrificing... God knows that I've idolize that role... When they get hurt, they can only smile, they're the type of people you just can't help smiling around. They do what is right and what is honest; they are those that are pure of heart... God knows I envy them... And God won't let me have it, because I envy instead of act.

As for love... I've done enough damage, love isn't for me...  How can it be when I can't even love myself? Like I've said, we say we're done and the next day we're back in... Who am I kidding? I'm not done with it, I'll crawl back... Hopefully, when I find a girl I do love, one that loves me... I'll learn beforehand not to hurt her.

"Once you've walked through the fires of hell, nothing else can burn you" - Cooper (My co-worker)