Friendship wasn't meant for convenience and neither was love. - Me

I know this is long, but please read it, it's problems throughout my life, and I can't take it anymore. Please help me.

THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING YEAR EVER! This year itself contained so much fucking pain then the years before combined. I HATE IT! I'm sorry but I'm GOING to LIST everything this time! I'm SICK OF HOLDING IN SHIT! I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE SECRETS RIGHT NOW! THEY FUCKING TORE ME APART! I'll list the shit of why I'm so damn mad today...

1) My dad left about 1 month to 8 months after I was born, he never watched over me, doesn't send money to help raise me. DENIED me as a son, and then left and did that with more ppl.
Outcome: I have my heart set on being a father, and providing as much loyalty, love, and support for my wife and kids as I can

2) MY MOM CANNOT RAISE A CHILD RIGHT! ALL MY LIFE SHE'S NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ME!
Examples: (THE FAMILY "ISSUES AND PRIVACY" BETWEEN ME AND MY MOM FUCK IT! THE WORLD NEEDS TO HEAR THIS SHIT!)
    A) Yes she did take care of me WHEN IT WASN'T LITERALLY 37 OTHER BABY SITTERS! I say other because she acts like a NANNY.
    B) The emotional support of a mother is LACKING IN ANY EFFORT GREATLY! SHE NEVER ONCE HUGGED ME! SHE'S NEVER ONCE TOLD ME THAT SHE'S LUCKY OR HAPPY TO HAVE ME AS A SON! (So what I didn't do anything too good, but I was always there for everyone, I'm always there when she needs to take it out on someone.)
    C) She's more worried about her future then to actully take care of mine. She complains and whines about everything but WORDS CAN ONLY GO SO FUCKING FAR UP YOUR ASS BEFORE THEY'RE STOPPED! SHE DOESN'T GET IT! I tell her everything about me, everything I hate, everything I like, she INSISTS on doing EVERYTHING I hate.
    D) SHE LIED TO ME IN MY FACE! She's promised me something and then she'd change it later on, and instead of saying "no" she says, "I never said that, don't accuse me of saying that, stop making up shit to blame me."
    E) SHE BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING! She blames that her life is the way it is because I was born... BECAUSE I'M IN EXISTENCE, HOW'S THAT A REASON FOR HER LIFE BEING SHIT?! It was HER choices, HER decision.
    F) Her excuse for why her life is crap is this, I (being me) was born and she had to raise me as a single mother and that I couldn't see her "pain" and that there's other kids around that have less then me... Guess who the fuck told her all this... I DID! I TOLD HER NOT TO FUCKING WHINE ABOUT HER LIFE! I told her that there's other mothers out there in WORSE situations, where there kids are in gangs, or doing drugs, or who knows the fuck what. I never grew up with Seeing her pain, I've never had to help around the house (I was born 2-3 months premature and my mom didn't keep me in the incubator thingy) I never did anything when I was little except for sleep eat and play. My mom was too busy complaining about everything (she does it so often I don't even want to hear it anymore) My point is, I don't SEE what is going, I was RAISED to be LAZY. so there's some crappy ass parenting for yah.
    G) When I was six, my friends wanted to see how high I could kick, and I kicked really hard and I flipped and landed on my butt (yeah that is funny, not kidding lol) but then I slammed the back of my head on a rock and cement, My friend Peire and his Brother Micheal told me to go home, I told Peire that I can't go home, my mom is just going to yell at me. Peire told/asked me What kind of parent would do that (he had a very caring mother). And sure enough when I got home and walked in crying, and Peire left, my mom yelled at me for a friggin hour. I ran out of the house and over to Peire's house, and his mom had to help me calm down and get the ice pack and bandage my head (slight bleeding) I fell asleep there.
    H) My mom being a typical asian mother, spanked me when I was little, yeah sure it's no biggy... but it is when it actually ISN'T your fault and you are getting hit with a bamboo stick at her FRIENDS house and YOUR FRIEND can hear you DOWN the fucking street screaming 3 blocks away. (I don't give a shit about it anymore, but I'm sure some people can relate to this)
    I) If you know me well then you'd know that I love angels, that I'm close to being obessed with them. I don't know if there's an after life, if my spirit goes to hell or heaven. but whatever happens, in my OWN little faith, I believe what I do as a person will determine if I'm an angel or a demon, I have always day-dreamed about having wings flow out from my back and just wrap around everyone and protect everyone... but my MOM CALLS me the devil himself, she says I'm worthless, and my existence wasn't meant to be. Well you know what? FUCK WHAT SHE THINKS!

Outcome: I'm going to be the best fucking parent I can. To PROVE to her that hurting your child whether physically or emotionally is NOT okay.

3) MY SISTERS FUCKING DEAD OKAY?! SHE'S FUCKING DEAD! She was supposed to be a year younger then me but she died because of my dad. (My mom won't TELL ME WTF HAPPENED, SHE JUST TELLS ME IT'S HIS FAULT!) all I know is her birthday is November 28, 1988. My mom doesn't remember her name so I christianed her Emily. (I found out when I was 16) My mom never told ANYONE about my sister, because I don't know the fuck WHY!
Outcome: I tend to hold onto people alot, and I'm really loyal, and if my loyalty wavers, my guilt takes over me and stresses me out like crazy.

4) Freshman year:
    A) I made new friends and then this son of a bitch decides to make fun of them and throw rocks at them and at me. Sure we're the "loser crowd" I end up beating the fucking crap out of him and his friend when they tried to push me in my locker. It was in the boys locker room, I was waiting for my friend to finish dressing and we played tennis every brunch and lunch because we were inspired by another friend of mine. Anyway, he pushed me into my locker and I swung around and slammed the metal edge of the racket onto his forehead, and he's like a head taller then me. He stood there tearing up so I felt bad and I just stood there too, thinking of how to say sorry. His retard friend comes up from behind me and knocks me in the back of the head with his backpack, I black out. all I know is what my friends told me. here's what they told me: The two of them picked me up and slammed me onto the locker room bench and started beating me with their backpacks and fists, but I ended up being able to kick one of them and then I just beat the living hell out of him and his friend tried to help him but my friends held him back and then they pulled me back, but then it took 6-8 people to hold me back from trying to kick his ass. And this one "Friend" just watched me get hit and left the locker room without doing anything.
    B) That same "friend" opened his fucking soda over my art project and it was shooken up so it ends up pouring all over it, but the dumbass just held it there and didn't close it until my other friend ran up and grabbed the bottle and threw it as far as he could. I ended up failing that project with my teacher saying, "Well you should've been more careful" (my ass bitch, careful my ass)
    C) Again, that same guy STEALS my money, and TAKES my 2nd Tennis racket and Lies to the rest of my friends about where it fucking is. his excuses, "Oh my mom threw it away." "I was worried about you so I broke it." "I gave it to the teacher." "I forgot it at school and the teacher must've took it." (I wanted to kick his ass, but he was a "Friend" so I didn't. now I don't hate him or like him, I'll still say Hi.)
    D) There was a girl... I liked her alot, and I wrote her letters and told her I liked her, and how pretty I thought she was (I was a freshman), I bought her a glass fairy for her birthday and a teddy bear for christmas, (I've bought her a present for everyone of her birthdays, since freshman year, I'm a senior now, I never forgot her birthday... I'm pathetic *shrugs*) and she never told me SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND DAMMIT! I had to hear it from another guy that asked her out, IN FRONT OF ME! I ended up holding it in for two classes before crying in my last class.

Sophomore year:
    Nothing happened, me and my friends just hung out... oh wait that's righhhhttttt... I twisted my ankle in Basketball, after packing the ball and landing wrong, and then hitting my shoulder and head on the wall. And since I was never injured before I had to hop around and two of my friends helped me when they could, but some rude ass people just made my life harder by purposefully closing the door behind them, walking DIRECTLY in front of me and stopping there to "check" something. And to make it "better" my "friend" calls me up and tells me to get my ass over to his house. and Knowing me, and how I love to have fun no matter the cost... I end up walking to his house... I even told him the only way I could get there was to walk. his response... "So what, we'll have fun when you get here" and then going home... He didn't even ask anyone if I could get a ride or if I should call my mom to get a ride home, he told me to walk home. it was only when his mom saw that I ended up getting the ride home >-< that happened 3 times total!... I don't learn my lesson XD I'm addicted to fun haahhahaha.

Junior year:
    A) I noticed some changes in the group. I also noticed that my friend was taking gay jokes out of proportion. I mean if he's gay whatever I'm cool with it. but just don't fucking parade it around and then tell people your not gay, WHEN YOU GRABBED YOUR GUY FRIENDS ASS AND GO FOR ANOTHER ONE'S BELOW THE BELT! *shudders* Oh yeah I forgot He kissed the guy on the cheek. I was like "wtf?! Are you gay or not?" "No, aren't gay people stupid?" "Man, I'm fucking out of here." (Everyone else went with me, we are NOT hanging out with a fucking jackass)
    B) I ended up going out with this girl but she denies she ever went out with me, and then she denies  ever met me, or knows me. And then when I get a girlfriend near the beginning of senior year she pretends to like me again...
    C) Junior prom... my date calls at NIGHT one day BEFORE the prom and asks if I can find someone else... then the next day she comes LATE (the limo had to wait) with a dress over her jeans, and wearing converse underneath, then she's wearing a sweater over her dress, it was like she wasn't even trying... We went to the retaurant that we reserved spots for and (we meaning me and my friend Chris) She ends up not wanting to eat anything, and saying she already ate when I told her before hand we were going out to dinner. She ends up eating something small like dessert, while I'm having my meal and then when she finishes she says, I want to go outside, I'm not done with my plate and I saved my stomach for that dinner... but I thought, oh what the heck? she probably feels uncomfortable here. so we leave walk around, and then we go to the dance... SHE REFUSES TO DANCE WHAT SO EVER! mind telling me that before you say yes?.... then at the end when the we have to go back to the limo, she ditches me and I end up having to go back with my friend. and then we get a mini lecture from his mom about, what if something happens to the girls, that me and him are going to be held responsible.

Senior year... THE BIGGIST SHIT OF IT ALL!
    A) In september or october, my mom kicks me out of the house when it's freezing cold outside like 50 degree's or something, and all I had was my backpack, my sweater and shorts. I spent the night outside at school, school was a haven for me (when there's no one there). And I didn't sleep because I had to avoid the security/janitors. So I spent my next day frozen in class sleeping... my teacher touched me to wake me up but took her hand back when she felt how cold I was, she tried again and I woke up, she asked me what happened, I told her and then Child Services ended up contacting my mom, getting me in more trouble. damn it.
    B) During Junior year's Electives fair, this teacher convinced me to sign up for her class by saying it was easy and that we'd be writing stories, poems etc. and since I thought that'd make it even easier because I'm a good writer, I signed up for the class. It turns out a FUCKING LIE! We did nothing in that class! nothing to do with literature. I ended up failing her class 1st AND 2nd semester because of a BULLSHIT project and BULLSHIT rules. that and she accused me of cheating, and being a liar. The 1st semster final I was supposed to do a presentation about castles, they're layouts, existence, and everything about them. BUT she gave that to some girl after calling me a cheat, and a liar. I ended up getting Fuedalism, so I do it, but I missed a day and the retarded bitch says to me I can't do the presentation because I misssed the turn in date for a handout.... WTF?! I CAN'T FUCKING PRESENT A 400 POINT PRESENTATION FOR MISSING ONE FUCKING HANDOUT?! WHEN I HAVE AN EXCUSED ABSENCE?! I wanted to fucking knock her out, but I don't hit girls PERIOD. So I take Night school for that.
    C) I asked out this girl that I've liked during Junior year and she said yes. I remember it as clear as day, it was homecoming night, we went to go watch Saw 2 because she loves scary movies, so then we went to Jamba Juice afterwards, and then I found a pen so she took it, and drew a star on my hand and wrote "HI" on it. and then I wrote "Chickens rock" on her cup, and then a little while later I told her to turn around and then I wrote "Will you go out with me" on the bottom of her cup, she looked so cute when she was trying to find it, I kept giving hints and she kept getting confused then I finally told her to look at the bottom of the cup, and she did, smiled and said yes. (Since the 1st gf denies my existence in her life, I'll deny her as my first gf)... So Sarah,  was my first gf now, and I was her first bf. one day we were watching Slingblade and I told her I wanted to french her but I didn't do anything about it, I was just laughing. and then during the movie she started smacking her lips alot so I just leaned in and kissed her, and since that was my first kiss I didn't know if it was the right time, and I felt stupid (it was her first kiss too) after the kiss I looked at her and said sorry, but she said it was okay and kissed me back. You're wondering why this is bad... welp we ended up breaking up right before christmas. Because she wasn't ready for a boyfriend. and it hurt alot because you never really forget the first person you've been with.
    D) In Febuary I gave a flower to a girl and she wasn't holding it so I assumed she threw it away, turns out she put it in her locker. She told me that she was talking to a co-worker but I don't know how that goes, and I'm done coming to conclusions, I can't do it anymore like I've done in the past. I'm sorry for what I've said before, desperation sires provoking thoughts
    E) Then feeling like shit, I was weak and emotional... This girl starts kind of hitting on me so we talk, and I ask her for her number, she gives it to me and tells me to call her after school. I call her... nothing... then about an hour I call again... two hours later I call again. nothing. I leave her a message saying I called her but I guess she's busy, and I hope nothing bad happened to her. Next day I don't see her, day after that I asked her if she was free at her, she looks away and starts walking off and says no... being me I don't get it (I do get stuff now... sort of XP) the day after that I write her a note asking if she liked me at all, if she didn't we could still be friends. She gave me the letter back with the words "like me" circled and arrowed to the side where she wrote. "What makes you think I'd ever like you? And stop calling me, writing notes is lame."... my friend saw me sad, found out what happened, read the letter and crumpled it up and tried to spit on it but I wouldn't let him.
    F) My mom drives slow and horribly and almost gets me killed... We're taking a turn or something and this car is coming out, MY MOM DOESN'T SEE IT! and it's a RED TRUCK! and then she yells at me when I point it out, she hits the brakes, bitches at me. My defence... "YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN US KILLED, ESEPICALLY ME! YOU MIGHT SURVIVE BUT THAT TRUCK WAS ABOUT TO HIT THE PASSNGER SIDE!" She continues to bitch at me, later on we get to Brooks College, I talk to the principal in charge of that one school area, and he said he can get me a job, get me started, if I wanted he could help me find a place to move out too, he could help me qualify for ALOT of financial aid for college, as long as I get a 3.0 for 1st semester... didn't happen cuz my mom MOM ended up saying No I don't want you going here. I want you to get a job that makes good money... Umm well Graphic design makes alot of money, and it is used EVERYWHERE!, every logo, every sign, every place has graphic design. So I tell her that, and she says, I don't care I want you to get a job that makes alot of money, like a doctor or lawyer. So I asked her if she wants me to be a doctor, she said, No I want you to be what you're comfortable with. I was like WTF?! then we left to go home, with me hella pissed, because I missed a job opportunity, financial aid, and a place to move out to when I start my first year in college. Then on the way home my mom has the nerve to yell at me for applying there and then calls me a fucking useless person and that my work (drawings, stories, poems, songs etc....) suck ass and that I'm stupid. Now I've had it with her, I tell her to shut up and leave me alone, if she says another word I'm jumping out of the car. she keeps driving not even a minute later, "You're so stupid" *pop* door opens, wind rushes and I jump out and hit the sidewalk, get up and run my ass off in the opposite direction, then I end up having to walk cuz I'm too tired and then I walk about 10 miles home.
    G) I've had it with St. Claire, she's a piece of shit teacher, she doesn't teach, she just talks about her life, and useless facts. I end up failing for the SECOND time in her class because of the SAME damn thing, I can't present my 200 point final because I missed a handout.
    H) I'm not graduating because of that bitch, but if I had an ACUTAL lit class I would've passed, and be able to walk... now I have to take summer school because of her in order to get my diploma. It'snot like I'm stupid. I have 235 credits, I only need 220, BUT I still need 4 years total to walk for graduation... I'm 5 credits short.
    I) I'm ready to move out, but I can't find anyone, I don't care if it's a guy or girl XD. I just want a roommate so I can move the heck out of my house, I know it's going to be hard, but Imma end up jumping out my window if I have to take more pointless crap.
    J) My friends have all been blaming each other for crap, hating each other, making pick sides, and I've been trying my best to be loyal to both sides and holding onto whatever I can, but now everything they've said about each other is opening my eyes and coming true. I'm no longer oblivious and I'm now questioning everything I've ever done in my life, and now I'm starting to believe my mom, that I'm just one big mistake, I wasn't meant for existence.
Outcome: I'm now emotionally unstable, and I'm recovering slowly, but not fast enough to take more shit from my mom.

If you're a victim of anything I've said, this part applys to those people that picked on you, hurt you, and fucked up your life.  This is for the "parents" and so called "friends"...

ALL YOU FUCKING PARENTS AND "FRIENDS" THAT ARE LIKE THIS! FUCK YOU UP YOUR COWARDLY ASS! TREAT YOUR CHILD(REN) WITH THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE! THEY NEVER ASKED TO BE PUT ON THIS EARTH! AND THE LAST THING THEY WANT TO DO IS LEAVE IT! ESPECIALLY WITHOUT LOVE FROM THEIR PARENTS (AND FRIENDS). AND IF YOU'RE FRIENDS, MAKE THE DAMN EFFORT TO BE FRIENDS, AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE, DON'T LEAVE THEM WONDERING YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOU AS A PERSON AND IF I COULD I'D CONDEMN YOUR ASS TO HELL! IT'S NOT FAIR TO OTHERS TO BE THERE FOR YOU AND FOR YOU TO TURN YOUR BACK ON THEM WHEN THEY NEED YOU MOST!