Friendship wasn't meant for convenience and neither was love. - Me

I need to write a poem/song for my friend (r.i.p.) But the words aren't coming to me anymore. I get bits and pieces from things. My friend is holding a little competition and I entered. It's just to write a poem/song or something about something that's close to you who's no longer alive.

I started dancing a long time ago in High school sophomore year, it started with someone telling me I looked like I can dance, if I can do a wave or rave at all. I did the exact same thing everyone else did, tried, got confused and flailed my arms.

The next two days I figured out how to do the Figure 8, wave, and C-walk a little. I went back to the person and did it, there were like, "oh shit!" but then I stopped... during Junior Prom I found out I could still C-walk but it was muddy and I didn't know what else to do. A year later or so someone sent me a vid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4Wtjg300HY&NR=1

I was amazed then, it got me to try and learn how to moonwalk and do a few other things. Over time I slacked off didn't do much with my life and college hit. Got my act together and forgot about dancing, I did it just to entertain some people and for laughs.

What I can do so far is all self taught, what feels fluid or right to me. I find myself wanting to dance when listening to random songs and I realized how much I actually just loved to move, how much I thought about choreography, how much I thought about, drawing, playing instruments, singing, and I then I start remembering all the embarrassing shit I've done with in my life and the embarrassing things that were done to me.

But just now while talking to my sis, I realized (sort of) what's more embarrassing? Making a fool out of yourself in front of a group of people and being laughed at, ridiculed, or having to tell your son or daughter that you backed out of everything because you felt you felt too ashamed to be who you really were? To do what you really want to do?

I'm a perfectionist, everything has to be neat and correct so I tend to criticize myself a lot. We're told that no one knows us better then ourselves and I believe that. Since no one else will criticize you as much as you do to yourself, no one else will empathize with you as much as you can when you realize your mistakes, and no one can change you. Every action is you, there might be other influences, but in the end it is still you.

I'm shy, I've been shy for a long time, me saying this doesn't mean I'm going to be breaking out of my shell at the moment, it just means I'm ready to spin the silk and practice and I'm ready to get off my lazy ass.

Just because I can, this is a quote that just popped in my mind.

"I fell out of love, hit my head on like, then got crushed by _______ (insert name)."

I had fun writing this, cause there was no reason for writing this. The first verse and chorus popped in my head around 12:45ish and I thought I should write it, so go me!



Belief.

I got a heart of stone
but my mind's set free
Now I see all the time you've wasted on me
And I'm sorry, that's all I can say
There's no way I can justify
All the lies I kept inside.

So believe, believe, believe in us
Cause I have something else I had to hide.
Believe, believe, believe in me
For all the reasons you thought we were ment to be.

Everything is done
and the silence lingers on
But there's something between us I know isn't gone.
I'll change my ways, it's all I can do
just so I can try and revive
All that has been torn by lies

believe, believe, just believe in us
Cause there's something I have never said
Believe, believe, believe in me
For not being someone you thought I could be.

I can't turn around now
But the longer I wait
The farther away, you will be.
An no apology, will reach you then
No chance for again, to start anew
without you in this life
So before you go

Just believe, believe, believe in us
Cause I was never able to express my heart
Believe, believe, please believe in me
For all the times you thought I was ignoring you.
And I never got to say, that I love you.



If you don't like it, TOUGH SHIT! I FINISHED IT AT 3:08 AM! On caffeine, and I started crashing in the middle of writing it... hahahaha.

I do have an idea about how it's supposed to sound, so if you wanna hear it, bring some earplugs cause I can't sing worth shit right now. But if you think you can sing it, I'd LOVE to hear it ^^.

Well I haven't written anything in awhile so here it goes!


I Never Listened.

I close my eyes and I see just this
A heart and mind that's set in stone
Towards the air wrenched in loving bliss
For a world that I've never known.

I hear the calls so I yield, unjustly how I healed
from the scars of past, now I'm learning fast
to let things go so that they may flow
into a truthful world, with wings unfurled.

To the angels who were sent upon me
Too give me peace in a troubled time, I find
It right to extend thanks for your brutal honesty
And shoving me towards the fact that I was blind

My feelings now made to light might ignite the quiet night
So that they may know and follow through unknown
Broken city esplanades, where we promenade through masquerades
For a bustling beaming night, at the height of blackened lights.

I apologize for the sound, I could never have bared
Inside this stubborn core and forgetful crown.
A facade apologetic towards a soul who blindingly cared
For one such as myself. But in reality, I'm just reserved deep down.

    ()  ()
 =(^ ^)=
 <(   < )
  (")  (")*

Hug this poor bunny for thanksgiving. Give a hug and know this bunny will hug you and keep in mind you are loved!

Life in Grayscale.

 

A thunder like boom against heavens vault

Leaves this innocent at fault

Dark pale face against the walls

Even silence can hear the calls.

 

Another strike, a clap of thunder

Leaves their mind asunder

Catching up to what is gone

While the graves sing solemn songs

 

Thunder resounds across the stormy skies

Leaves another child blind in eye

Separate stories shall emerge

When body and soul diverge.

 

The grey grave which reflects the storm,

Sits alone and recites the poem

Of a life that grays the stone

Drawn black and blue to shattered bone.

It's my birthday, I was awake at 12:00am and Avenged Sevenfold's Afterlife was playing. Right now Nymphetamine is playing, next on my playlist is Happy Birthday by Flipsyde.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inEhl0Ab3CU

It's my birthday but my sister doesn't get to live hers. She wasn't taken away by abortion, but she died shortly after birth. Sometimes I stare off into space just thinking "what if" and if she's wondering what I'm doing with my life. Looking down on me with hazel eyes, smiling at what I've done or disappointed in what I've become.

I'm 22 and she would have been 21 this year. I really don't care whether or not people choose to have an abortion, but an abortion for the wrong reason is still murder. A child in this current hell we have is not the best of circumstances to grow up in, but it depends how you look at it; while bombs of all types seem to drop around us, we'll still have each other right? At least till our eyes close I hope.

The pain of "what if" hurts more then anything else can. We're all different, but underneath the sky we're all the same, human. We make mistakes, but we shouldn't be trying to ignore them and pretend they don't happen.

Yeah I'm gonna bring it up. Prada, pointless "reality" drama... really? Are those needed in your daily life? I can understand watching a show for entertainments... but 200 dollar shoes... I wouldn't bother caring about it, but when people are getting over money... seems petty to me. But then again, this world isn't me.

I decided to make a few quotes =P.

Life's like a box of chocolates, too bad someone left me just the box.

While the world spins faster and faster around me, the only constant is you.

other then this I don't have anything yet lol.

I started writing this at 11pm, it's 5:16am and I'm tired... Don't be too harsh haha. Btw, I need corrections on somethings (especially the latin, I'm not 100% sure it's right so let me know!)

"Get off the phone already!" Her friend teased her.

"I gotta go, the bitch is bothering me haha! Bye! I love you too... yeah, I know... I miss you too, I'll see you soon? Mkay, bye."

"So you llloooooove him huh?" Her friend smiled teasingly.

"Oh shut up! Ooo, heard your fatass tripped yesterday!"

"NUH-UH! Okay yeah..."

Fits of giggles rose and subsided. Her friend looked at her with gentle eyes, "WHICHHHhh reminds me... How's your mother doing? I heard about car accident."

Smiling, "she's fine... bruises and scratches here and there but she's alright, she's home now! That's the good part."

"Great, she can make me some cake so I can get over my pain."

"Fatass bitch!"

As the fit of laughter subsided the night continued and bloomed when the lights turned off. Her lover a thousand miles away with only a thin invisible line binding the two. She smiled lightly, the moonlight pushing through the leaves and dancing in the room. She smiled at her sleeping friend and dozed off herself.

The world shook and faded but there she stood before a new ivory stone cathedral, her pajama bottoms whipped her skin as the wind continued to flutter by her; her perfect fit baby blue tank top held on for dear life. The clear violence of the crystal blue sky showed bright overhead, but the barely waking ground was calm before her. She could feel the sands of time gently sifting beneath her; the grains lightly dancing across her feet. With the violence of the wind and her hair blowing in her face she stared unblinkingly as the cathedral rose at a threatening height over her; cracks appeared, the shadows expanded and the cathedral aged quickly. Towering before her it agitated her eyes; aged and in contrast against the white sand. She feared the possibilities of what were inside.

The haunting site of the cathedral frightened her as the chill of death seemed to wash over her. She woke with a start and rolled onto her side, the moon still hiding behind the quivering leaves. She heard the sweet voice of a song sparrow ringing in the night. Thinking it odd at all to hear a bird at 2:13am she fell back asleep.

Still before the cathedral fearing what was inside she stepped forward in the dream, with no idea what was going on, her only clues, small etchings on the back of her hands, barely visible in the light. The glow on her hands gleamed momentarily then dissipated as she walked through the doors. She felt the chilling cold stones of the cathedral run up her feet and spine but shook it off and continued on, though the area was gently blanketed in shadow. She walked toward the podium, the benches stretching beside her. She could hear the sand dancing outside, their touch on stone echoed softly inside. Still walking she looked around, shadowed ivory white granite statues of heroes and dry peeling paintings of angels hung on the walls. She looked forward again not noticing everything following her like the eyes of the Mona Lisa.

She ran her hand gently across the dusty benches as she walked by, disturbed the dust ran across each bench as if they were never there, the shadows cleared off the statues, and the painting came alive with color, but she notices nothing.

A few feet ahead the podium stands before her. Indication of time was clear, the podium was coated with dust, years of it weighing down the webs. Behind the podium light was consumed by the shadow the walls gave. She made out a rectangular object behind the podium and feared the worst, the thoughts of death and the jittery feeling she got from the webs woke her.

This time her friend was awake as well, "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, just a weird dream."

"It's nothing you can't handle is it? Sometimes life's a dream."

Her friend comforted her and got her to smile and laugh. Even after her friend went too sleep she sat there thinking about the darkness behind the podium. Shaking off the cold needles that stabbed at her she whispered, "I'm glad she's here" and fell asleep once again.

She walked up the steps her eyes fixed on the podium and a dust drenched book she couldn't see before. Behind the podium she flipped through the book, the dust flying off as the pages fell, The podium cleared and the lacquer on the cherry oak podium was now evident. She heard laughter and cheering and looked up into the brightened church. The dust danced down forming people, she recognized her mother sitting there with her sister and smiled, the lines began to glow unnoticed.

She ran down the steps calling out to her mom with a light heart, no answer, more chattering and people appeared as the dust finished falling filling the benches. She recognized most of them as family and friends. Turning around she spots only one person sitting on the other side facing the podium.

"Surprised?"

Walking towards the hooded person cautiously, she still hears chattering around her like the constant pattering of rain.

"What is this place?"

The person's attention still fixed, "the wedding day, look ahead".

Looking up she stood still, her smile came back. A figure stood on the left, the white empire styled gown caressed the figure perfectly, the white 'blush veil' still down. Across from her figure, stood a man, she recognized him as her boyfriend, a little older, more gentle looking. The shadows from behind the podium receded revealing a large statue of an angel kneeling on a raised platform, the wings outstretched, tips reaching towards the front of the cathedral. Arching over it was vine covered trellis.

Her smile widened and her cheeks blushed, a surge of excitement rushed through her, only to notice the fiance was shaking nervously. The figure moved her hand up and held his face, his shaking stopped.

She smiled and felt her heart skip a beat, she walked forward and stood at the bottom of the steps looking slightly up at the couple. With the hand still on his face he closed his eyes and leaned his head into it raising his hand to hold her hand closer to him. Opening his eyes he raised both hands to lift the veil. To her, time slowed down in anticipation, the higher the veil was raised the faster her sank as tears of joy ran down her friend's face. As the kiss came the trellis collapsed as did the wings, a surge of dust rose, the people faded and the shadows rushed past her. As the last shadow came in place, the hooded person turned to her fading, "your hands".

Looking at her hands she could only read the left, 'somnium planto res', drops of rain running from the windows fell down her face and exploded on her hands. She could see the glow becoming brighter till she woke. The thin line stretching the distances shivered and the lover felt it, only to roll over restlessly, his body tense, his mind inspired with nightmares.

She looked out the window the sun beginning to rise for the new day, she turned around only to see her friend looking at her tired and worried.

"You took latin didn't you?"

Her friend yawned and rubbed her eyes, "yeah..."

"What's 'somnium planto res' mean?"

"dreams set in place occurrence", her friend looked at her tired and flopped back on her bed and went back to sleep.

Angry and bitter she hid her feelings. As the years passed she changed, the trust between her and the world fell through. He left her side and left her to drown in her anger and bitterness. Her friends stayed by, the lines fluctuating violently. The dream had consumed her mind, it kept recurring, it ended the same way each time.

52 and level-headed the dream happened again, this time the hooded figure lowered her hood. It was herself, she didn't understand. The tears were still raining and welling up in her eyes. The figure looked at her gently and said, "your hands", she read the words that were etched into her hands. "Somnium planto res" one the left, "vos imperium res" on the right.

"Do you know what it means darling child?"

"n-oo-no"

"You're old enough to understand 'life's a dream.'"

"Th-a-that's wha-t-t, she t-tol-d mh-me..."

"And?" Her counterpart smiled gently.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, "dre-ams s-set in puh-place occ-occurrence."

"You're forgetting the right hand now aren't you?" Her double held her right hand gently and read, "Vos imperium res, it means 'You rule over occurrences.' In the end darling child, life is what you make of it, what you create it to be. The cathedral is your sanctuary, your safe place. The statues your friends, the paintings, your life's work, the angel, yourself. Protect the ties you hold precious, the wife your best friend, the boy... boys are boys, get a man. The point is the ties you have are precious... hold onto them."

Her tears and crying began to stop, but still it left a small puddle on the bench, it showed the cherry oak, the figure began to fade for the last time, but as she did she tapped the puddle expanding it. The puddle rushed across the bench to the ground and across her surroundings. Her resentment lifted with the epiphany and she truly woke. It was 6:12 and her friend laid sprawled on the bed drooling on her pillow.

She sniffled a little and rubbed her eyes, "that's just gross... ugh bitch."

References:

I had this in mind when I was thinking about the dress -_-:
http://www.weddingsolutions.com/fashion_and_beauty/Dress_Styles_Empire.html
A cross between:
http://nimrodel.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/wedding-dress-for-petite-women.jpg
(style, length)
http://www.thebridalshop.com/maggiesottero/images/S793.jpg
(color, ribbon)
http://www.weddingsolutions.com/fashion_and_beauty/Dress_Veils_Blusher.html

I kinda want to draw all that now hahaha.

I feel f-n girly now... I'm gonna go lift some weights and burn this story from my mind.

It's for Hollywood Undead's Young. Watch it and tell me what you think!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XhI-CfyRRY